I am spending a lot of time thinking about winter at the moment, and came across this on my PC today. I am not even sure if I ever published this one, so now I shall…
The house stands alone at the head of the footpath. Surrounded by trees, the birds sing just as sweetly here, and squirrels undulate from branch to branch, rustling through the last remaining leaves. The lawns are neatly trimmed and manicured. In winter the birds still come to visit the stone bird bath that sits at centre-stage, and the occasional muntjac deer tiptoes across the garden. In spring the surrounding woodland will be covered over with golden daffodils, in summer the lavender bush on the terrace will be bright with purple spears. In autumn the little apple tree on the right of the house will be weighed down with fruits.
The house is clearly well loved, and yet there is one element missing. The life has gone out of it. The blackened hole in the roof hints at what happened here, and the windows are boarded. The gates are chained shut, and the garden chairs wait, empty, on the terrace. On the road above, cars and buses drive by unaware. The house is tired, burnt out and in need of some love.
As some of you who may have read me before will know, I come from a family of social workers. My mum (the archetype of caring) collected strays, from semi-feral creatures with four legs, to the unloved and unwanted variety on two legs. She always endeavoured to support those who the rest of society had written off, and could have rivalled Saint Jude in the claim of being the patron saint of lost causes. (This is all said with deep love and without rancour.) At eighteen I left home to set out in a career in the arts, and was determined not to be a chip off the old block, clear that there were enough carers and not enough artists, while other members of my family followed in my mum’s footsteps without fear. And then returning from a tour of Macbeth, both penniless and without future prospects, slightly worn out and disenchanted, I took a temping assignment that nobody else wanted. I started working in a charity that helps people with addiction, and despite my insistence that I was only staying a month, seventeen years later, [at the time of writing - now twenty five] I am still there. My role now is behind the scenes - and is often concerned with people’s wellbeing and I work to support and ensure those on the frontline can do the essential work they do.
In my spiritual life I am blessed with a circle who have a calling to the priest-hood, and our worlds are very much focussed on this being a ‘life of service’ to our gods, in whatever form that takes. For some it is working in the medical profession, for others it is teaching, counselling and other forms of pastoral care, and across both worlds, I have noticed a pattern in those who are nurturers. Those that feel they have a purpose in being of service (both pagan and non-pagan alike) work tirelessly to try and improve the lot of others, but we are not so good at looking after our own needs. When we are busy spousing, parenting, teaching, nursing, tarot-reading, or priest and priestess-ing, we always come last in the line of people who need a bit of extra tender loving care.
While living a life of care and service may be a noble one, it's not much good if you end up burnt out and empty like the house I used to walk past each week when I was out on my city edgeland ramblings. You can only care for others if you keep your own tanks topped up and your engine running on good quality fuel. Otherwise you come to a spluttering stop, and can't go any further. So if you really struggle to justify looking after yourself, remember that you can only do the good stuff if you care and look after yourself first.
Resilience is a bit of a hot topic in the caring professions at the moment, as top thinkers have realised that working on the frontline has a shelf-life for everyone. There is only so long you can go on giving, before you reach a state of exhaustion and compassion-fatigue. And once you have crossed that threshold, it is difficult to pull back in time to stop you going (Thelma and Louise like) over the edge. Another hot topic in social care (and everywhere else) is mindfulness, and, if you read my last article, you may have some sense of how that might be useful in practice.
Previously I have taught Self-care and Mindfullness workshops to worn out drug workers (whenever I could get them to leave their mobile phones at the door!) and I have often done talks online for the Pagan Federation’s excellent Disabilities team and their latest online festival. This time the theme is self care, so I thought there may be some useful elements to share for worn out pagans too.
The key thing in self-care is knowing yourself, and since the instruction at the Delphic Oracle was to ‘Know Thyself’, then we should at least be on familiar ground. And if life is a journey, and Modern Paganism is a path, here's some tips to help navigate the way.
Step One – Learn To Read Your Own Map
Nobody knows you better than you, and you need to be a little self aware in order to give yourself a break sometimes. Know your strengths and your weaknesses, and don't be afraid to step into the shadows for a rest once in a while. We all need the down time which comes as a part of the natural cycles of life, but the key with self care, is in beginning to understand when you are feeling a bit frazzled, and when it is time to stop. When I say ‘Learn to Read Your Own Map’, I mean that you can learn to read your own signals. If you can start to spot the early warning signs, you can take action more promptly and prevent a full scale nuclear melt down.
When you feel stressed, how do you know you are stressed? Is it something that you feel first in your body? Does your back ache, your eczema flare up, your IBS take off, or do your pain levels increase beyond tolerance? Is it a physical sensation that you can feel in the pit of your stomach, that churning sensation? Do you have difficulty sleeping, or restless twitches?
Alternatively, is it an emotional response first? Do you feel anxious, upset, angry, overwhelmed? Do you completely loose your sense of humour, and your interest in others? Do you get aggressive? Do you feel bad, or dislike yourself?
Or, do you notice a change in your behaviour first? Do you withdraw, avoid people or situations, get very stroppy, do you lack concentration or cry at the drop of a hat?
The chance are, one of these responses will be your first signpost that something is not right. You might start by noticing a behavioural change first, or changes in your thought patterns, but then realise you had a physical or emotional changes long before that, which you hadn't quite registered. Learn to read the signals a little more, start to notice the changes that you go through. We spend so much of our lives rushing to get to the next landmark – that project at work, getting the children ready for the school play, that essay at college – that we forget to just slow down and breathe. And if you pause for a moment and listen, your body will tell you what it wants you to know, because Nature is clever like that, and so are our bodies. Our bodies are talking to us all the time and we just need to remember to take the time to listen. But in the midst of all the bustle of a busy life, sometimes it's hard to step back and take stock of where we are.
Step Two – Don't Be Afraid To Stop And Ask For Directions or Help When You Need To
Once you're aware of how you respond to stress, and you have learned to read the early warning signs, it's time to do something about it. Don't wait in the hope that next week things will calm down and you will be able to take a rest – hope for the best, but plan for the worst. Assume things will be just as busy next week as the one before, and schedule in some time for yourself. And ask for help from those around you if you need to.
I know this is easier said than done. My own favourite method of self care is going for a swim. There is an outdoor (heated) pool right on the border of Covent Garden and Bloomsbury, and it is my saving grace at lunchtimes. I notice when I don't go redularly, that I start to feel grumpy, tired and overwhelmed, so I try to make sure that I schedule in time each week. When I am there, I like to swim mindfully – I am not interested in thrashing up and down the lanes like a dog fighting water, I want to wallow and enjoy the sensations of the sky overhead, the steam rising off the water in winter, or the rain drops splashing my face, or the warm sunshine in summer. Of course some weeks it is difficult to protect that time and it has to be a conscious effort to ring fence the time.
There are times that you have to be assertive and insist on that time, even if you have been ‘trained’ to never make a fuss, or to look to other people's needs first. There are times that you need to give yourself permission to be selfish. The chances are, what you classify as ‘selfish’ isn't really that at all. So don't be afraid to ask a colleague to cover for you while you go for a lunch time walk in the park, or ask your partner or your parent to watch the children for you for a few hours, and give you the time to do some of your favourite self-care activities. And don't be put off by thinking you have to take hours to do things (unless you want to). Sometimes my swims are very short and sweet, but just taking twenty minutes here and there can help.
Step Three –Remember To Check Your Oil (And Keep Your Battery Charged)
Start to think about the things that you need to do in order to recharge your batteries. Once you have the road map familiarised, then it becomes easier to understand your own patterns. How often do you need to take those rest stops to check your oil or keep your battery charged? Are you an introvert, who, despite having a busy life with lots of people-contact, needs to have regular quiet time to recharge your battery? Or is it nature that re-charges your energy levels? Think about the things you might do to care for yourself a bit more tho you have been doing.
Just in case you are completely overwhelmed and running on an empty battery, and wondering why your headlights won't work, here are a few suggestions to get you started:
If you are working, make sure you start on time, leave on time and take your allotted break times. The culture of ‘I’m too busy, so I always eat lunch at my desk’ doesn't do you or your employer any favours, as without regular breaks, they won't get the best for you. Productivity and quality of work actually goes up when you stop doing the crazy hours.
Take a walk round the park at lunch time, or schedule in a lit of walking if you can. I get off the tube a few stops early to make sure I get a bit of city walking done each day, and then go for longer walks at weekends when I have time.
Take a nice bath in some cleansing and soothing bath salts (there's a recipe at the end for you to make your own).
Dance around your kitchen to your favourite music, if that's what you love doing.
Go and visit a gallery, or a museum. Obviously in London we are graced with lots of choices, but I also remember that when I lived in Plymouth, my favourite thing was to slip into the city museum and commune with the mummies, or absorb myself in the semi-Precious stones they had in the geology section.
Do something that absorbs your attention and allows you to switch off, even if it is for short bursts – colouring books are another great way of switching off your chattering brain and allowing you to use your creative energies.
Learn a new skill – crafts are great, languages are always rewarding. Explore what classes are available in your community and explore them a bit.
If you are a secret gym bunny, then make sure you get to that yoga class you love, or kick boxing, or whatever helps you to unwind and find yourself in the rush and the noise of modern living.
Look at volunteering options too – if you are an animal lover, find out if your local shelter has a need for people to help, but oonly if you can do it without tears. My lovely sister wanted to volunteer as a ‘cat cuddler’ at her local rescue centre, but it was too much for her poor heart.
Or, if like me, cats make you sneeze and itch, look for local groups that do local litter picking or community gardening. Volunteering is great as you can get to do the things you love with other people, and you are helping your community as well.
Step Four - Keep Your Tanks Topped Up With Good Quality Fuel and Good Rest Stops
This one is very easy to forget when life becomes a little overwhelming, but it makes all the difference. Make sure you are nurturing yourself with good food, lots of water, and good amounts of sleep. Sometimes it's the simple things – cooking healthy food from scratch, instead of relying on ping-meals and junk food. But do allow yourself the occasional indulgence too – it's just about getting the right balance between self care and self indulgence.
Step Five – Enjoy The Scenery As You Go.
Another favourite activity that I loved as much in the city as in I did in my rural upbringing, was making sure I take time to walk. If I start or end each day with a twenty to forty minute walk, it gives me time to iron out the wrinkles in my brain and allows me to make sense of what I need to do going forward. I perfected a route through the garden squares in Bloomsbury on my way to work, which allowed me to connect with city nature and the turning seasons of the wheel of the year. By taking a mindful walk in the gardens, I was able to connect to the trees that lined the city walks, and watched the little signs of nature unfurling and closing up all around me. I used to regret the fact that I missed the beech trees that welcomed me onto the main road that passed through my village, and I would miss the bleating of the spring lambs as they made their way into the world. But regretting is wasted energy, and we can't bring back the past, no matter how hard we try. Instead of mourning what has passed, try and see the positives in what you do have now. Even being in the heart of one of the world’s busiest cities doesn't mean we have to be cut off from nature. It's all around us. Even if you are in the most urban and concrete of places, there will still be tiny signs of nature’s reach all around you. Even the tiniest weeds pushing their way up through the cracks in the pavement are a sign of the underlying green. The road that I live on in London is quite a busy main road, with school runs and buses in full swing on most days, but we also have little chamomile plants in the verges that have sprung up from somewhere, and little wheat fronds that still grow, presumably forgotten signs of the farmland it once was, many decades ago. Even the bird life in London is eye-opening, although some of it is not native to here. If you listen out for the signs, among the cockney sparrows and the robins, you can find bright green cockatoos nesting in the tree tops. They may not be ‘natural’ to here but they are still a sight for sore city eyes.
A lot of mindfulness techniques encourage us to stop, breathe, and focus on the sensations in our bodies right now. Take just ten minutes to focus on your body without judging it's aches and pains, or to sit in a park bench and just notice what you notice will take you outside of your rushing life long enough to give yourself space to think.
A Recipe For Some Self-Care Bath Salts
Before I went back to university and started spending my spare time on my studies, I used to run a little business that made soap from scratch using natural ingredients like herbs and essential oils, and I also used to make ‘sacred bath’ products. These were all made with lots of love, and also various magical intentions, but you can do a quick DIY version at home too. If you are familiar with the Key of Solomon and other grimoires, you will know that salt is a sacred cleansing substance in magical terms. In circle we use salt and water to cleanse the space before we undertake magical workings, and it's a useful ‘space clearer’ as an alternative to smudging or other cleansing methods. The Clavicle has some words in it for empowering salt with your intention for it to cleanse which are found in The Benediction Of The Salt, or alternatively, use your own variation. Use what works for you. The beauty of salt is that it's also very soothing for the skin, and, if you mix in some Epsom salts, it's good for aching muscles too.
To make your own sacred bath, take:
One cup of sea salt,
One half cup of Epsom salt,
One half cup of bicarbonate of soda
Mix the salt well with your hand, and really focus on your intention for it to cast out impurities and bring in the positive intention you wish for. Then add six to ten drops of your favourite essential oils (making sure they are ones that can go on the skin). My suggestion would be:
Lavender for relaxation and clear thoughts
Rose for self care and to help aid with depression
Jasmin for moon workings
Sandalwood for deep nurturing
Then rub the oils into the salt (like you would rub butter into flour for moon cakes) and again, focus on your intention.
Then run yourself a nice warm bath, and add a table spoon or two of the salt to the water, then lie back and relax.
You can then save what's left over in a jar, and use it whenever you feel the need to unwind.
Just a final note though in storage for the crap witch’s guide to self care, make sure you allow the salts time to dry out thoroughly before you seal the jar. I once put a bottle stopped on before they had dried and ended up with a bottle of exploding salt when the lid blew off!